people do not know how i'm struggling towards what i want. people do not understand my anxiousness and people do not feel what i feel. being me is a pleasure. but sometimes being me isn't great at all. i'm not a person who does not thank towards the Creator but sometimes i just disappointed with myself. being myself. i keep thinking why those people can acquire what they want but i can't. i keep thinking, why my efforts are always worthless. i keep thinking why all things that i have done do not go smoothly like i want. all these thoughts just lingering in my mind. i've been trying and keep trying to be a better person but at the end still come out with no improvement at all. people say that i am not a serious person. never serious in all matters that i've done. what they do know about what am i thinking. they can judge me but please don't underestimate my effort. i can accept and pleasure to accept and listen to any advice, but please don't simply say that i never serious in doing what i've done. my effort seldom shows the exact outcome but i never stop trying and hoping for the best. i do for the sake of my father and also for myself. my aims, want to have a good job and comfortable life. but sometimes, i just feel that i can't have any of that because of my worthless effort (good requirements that do not exist). keep trying hardly but keep receiving failures. my heart aches and my mind keep thinking what's wrong with me? what's wrong with my effort? then, all these come with one answer. my relationship. relationship with people around me and my Creator. may be this is the correct answer for my failure. all the things that i had and have done have to back to their basic. why i do all those things and for whom? all along this period, i try to figure out what is less in my effort. sometimes, i just feel like a loser. but keep comforting myself with my soothing words. The Creator know what He does and what He gave and gives me. I just have to believe in Him and keep myself closer to Him day by day. i look for the best for myself but i know all things come from Him. my worthless effort just a trial from Him. I knew that. and always know. i' will try my best but still hope for the best. He always by my side (people always forget about this and keep blaming Him). i do frustrated but i do thankful to Him because may be this is the best for me.