apa hati ini rasa

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani.

hujan belom berhenti. masih Dia menurunkan rahmatNya. moga hambaNya tidak lupa yang Dia maha berkuasa di atas segalanya. i'm staring outside the window and keep wondering when the rain is going to stop. its quiet in here. only the sounds of fan. my heart is not yet in easy but yet it already felt calm. only time can tell.

otak aku belom betol2 berehat sejak final examination had started. berkerja keras dari hari ke hari. and it did come the day when i felt hopeless. kept staring at the book and knew it was not going to be okay. my brain was restless. put the blame on me. aku sedar aku pelajar tegar yang sentiasa berlajar di saat terakhir. but as students we do it for reason. sometimes it works and sometimes no. but this time especially this sem it gave me pressure. the feeling of damn stress. the feeling of 'why i have to face all these'. the feeling of running away from everthing. thats how i felt. but smiles that never faded away from the face wouldn't show people anything. you can be the awesome cool person ever by hiding all of your feelings. but the reality is only you and Allah knows.

i just jot everything here just to sooth myself. i know my limitation and i know what i'm lack off. but because of this 'lack', it does give me the feeling of uneasiness. the feeling of you can't do well in everything you do. people do judge me wrong. that is what i feel. they say i do well but only me knows how well i am. how knowledgeable i am. i'm not a genius student which everything in the grab of my hand. i am someone who needs to work harder just to achieve a fair result and a genius who have done nothing always do better than me. sometimes, it does give me the feeling of very down to the earth and extremely upset with myself.

but today, i tried my best. i did my best. Allah knows and i know.

maka ya Allah dengan rasa hina dan rendah dirinya, berkatilah hambaMu ini dan kurniakanlah keputusan yang baik lagi cemerlang kepadaku dan rakan2. moga kami sentiasa dalam lindunganMu ya Allah.

p/s: nervous mode. uneasiness feeling. and i'm waiting till the day i can prove i deserve to be in this field. i'll work harder!!