apa hati ini rasa

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha mengasihani.

hujan belom berhenti. masih Dia menurunkan rahmatNya. moga hambaNya tidak lupa yang Dia maha berkuasa di atas segalanya. i'm staring outside the window and keep wondering when the rain is going to stop. its quiet in here. only the sounds of fan. my heart is not yet in easy but yet it already felt calm. only time can tell.

otak aku belom betol2 berehat sejak final examination had started. berkerja keras dari hari ke hari. and it did come the day when i felt hopeless. kept staring at the book and knew it was not going to be okay. my brain was restless. put the blame on me. aku sedar aku pelajar tegar yang sentiasa berlajar di saat terakhir. but as students we do it for reason. sometimes it works and sometimes no. but this time especially this sem it gave me pressure. the feeling of damn stress. the feeling of 'why i have to face all these'. the feeling of running away from everthing. thats how i felt. but smiles that never faded away from the face wouldn't show people anything. you can be the awesome cool person ever by hiding all of your feelings. but the reality is only you and Allah knows.

i just jot everything here just to sooth myself. i know my limitation and i know what i'm lack off. but because of this 'lack', it does give me the feeling of uneasiness. the feeling of you can't do well in everything you do. people do judge me wrong. that is what i feel. they say i do well but only me knows how well i am. how knowledgeable i am. i'm not a genius student which everything in the grab of my hand. i am someone who needs to work harder just to achieve a fair result and a genius who have done nothing always do better than me. sometimes, it does give me the feeling of very down to the earth and extremely upset with myself.

but today, i tried my best. i did my best. Allah knows and i know.

maka ya Allah dengan rasa hina dan rendah dirinya, berkatilah hambaMu ini dan kurniakanlah keputusan yang baik lagi cemerlang kepadaku dan rakan2. moga kami sentiasa dalam lindunganMu ya Allah.

p/s: nervous mode. uneasiness feeling. and i'm waiting till the day i can prove i deserve to be in this field. i'll work harder!!

only me hope

people live for purposes. we've been created not for doing nothing. we have reason to live. have reason to breath. until He takes it back. this is my first post of new year. its not too late for me to say happy new year though. what i'm going to jot today is nothing for you to be bother with. i'm going to turn to 24 less than a month. seriously speaking, i'm afraid of this number. i'm going to be older, will be having more responsibilities and things will be more complicated for me. not so complicated if i can handle everything well. well, what i wish to achieve for this year i like to keep them within myself. i'll try harder and pray harder to achieve them. but the most important thing, i wanna be mature. more mature in thinking, saying and everything that i'll do. 24 is not a small number of age. it does give me a reason to be aware and wary. friends, people, others might not understand but this is what i feel the most. i'm starting to be afraid of what my life will lead me to. will i get a good job and everything? all are keep 'twirling' inside my head. does anyone will be my life partner and will i get a good life ahead? but the most thing i hope and wish for all my thoughts, i have someone to lean on. i have someone to go to when i'm down and in a peril situation. this thought seems like simple but still, it will give you the most strength ever when you have it. now, i'm wonder do i have someone to lean on right now? and the person should be understand me more than other people regardless my family.

to someone who lives in Kuching, i do apologize of what i did yesterday. thats me when i was not in a good mood. everything seems wrong. everything seems hopeless. sometimes you do give back my 'mood' but to be honest i hope you could do the same yesterday. especially yesterday. may be i put too much hope on you. i'm sorry.

2 papers remain and one practical exam. i hope i'll do best in all of them. i do hope and really hope i won't have to repeat any paper or delay in finishing my study. Allah, please give me barakah.

this is serious entry of me. and i'm waiting for that day to come.

smile

try to smile
it is really easy
but not easy to give
a smile deep from my heart